The Consciously Being Non-Authentic

Who can you be totally authentic with all of the time? The answer is no one.  It’s impossible to be authentic all of the time.  We’re human beings who make a ton of mistakes!  We trip and fall down and are unconscious and unintentional in how we treat others.  But here’s a question for everyone…

When you are thinking about others and how your behavior will impact them; when you are conscious and intentional in your thoughts, feelings, and actions…can you…or should you always be authentic?
My answer is still – No!  If you go into situations trying to be like Jim Carey in the movie, “Liar Liar”, trust me, being a truth teller will not be well received!You’ve got to “Meet The Relationship” where it’s at!

When I was a kid,  I used to think there was something wrong with me.  From a very young age, I could pick up on signals/body language, and read the emotional field of any situation.  I could sniff out conflict when something was going wrong in any relationship!  As a child and younger adult, I truly stood in the attitude of authenticity.  I had an insatiable desire to understand and to be understood.  The problem was that the world did not want me to be authentic.  When I would try to deal with the problem, I was usually dismissed and told I was too sensitive.  I was the kid and the adults in my life weren’t necessarily interested in hearing what I had to say.  Listen and follow directions was the mantra.  They didn’t know how to handle conflict, and your rank or title dictated whether your voice was heard or not.  The term “relationships” was also not part of the daily dialog.  Therefore, unless I had the perception that I was in charge (which usually wasn’t the case!), the “differences” that showed up between me and the other person became my problem.  “You’re too sensitive!” was my label.  I hated it.  Truth was, I was too sensitive.  I was a crybaby…and internalized my anger of not being understood.

So…..The reality is I am sensitive.  But not too sensitive anymore.  It’s my gift.  I understand human nature and its desire to control.  I am extremely authentic with myself and it is one of the attitudes that I look for in people.But how do you use the attitude of authenticity without constantly challenging the relationship, yet also have your own needs met? 

To have healthy Right Relationships there are a few questions you have to ask yourself:

What do you value about the other person(s)?

What are your similarities and common interests?

What are your differences?

Do you have the ability to accept the differences or is there something that needs to be said for the sake of The Relationship to create more balance?

Differences are what makes the world go round and is a necessary ingredient for growth!  But, when you are in relationship “meeting them where they’re at” is needed if you know that addressing the conflict will not serve the relationship.  This is known as acceptance.  You’re going to have to give up a certain amount of authenticity!  Being in relationship doesn’t always mean that you will be understood

In all of my relationships, I consciously use varying levels of non-authenticity.  I believe that we are all doing our best with the knowledge we have at the time.  The problems that get in between our relationships are our perceptions and our judgment of each other.  It is our unconscious rating of ourselves, others, and the world.

Apply varying levels of non-authenticity is different than avoidance.  Because of my storyline, as a younger adult, I used to avoid conflict out of fear of disappointing someone or experiencing someone else’s anger.  I am very aware of my edge with anger, but it no longer controls me.  We are friends now.  Anger is my ally.

If I’ve tried authenticity in the relationship, and experience repeated struggles from the other person, I will eventually, “meet them where they are at”.  I will choose acceptance for what I don’t align on with them.  This way of thinking is a conscious choice.  The alternative is to constantly challenge the relationship and fight to be right!  When relationships break up, it’s because it’s a control issue.  This is the epidemic that needs to be reversed ….for the sake of HUMANITY.

Over time, my close relationships are the ones who are equally interested in hearing my voice.  Instead of fighting to be right, we fight for the sake of The Relationship.  My closest relationship that I have the most authenticity with, is my wife.  He’s my best friend….and you bet I fight with her! The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be understood
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